Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
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[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Guantanamo Bae
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella