*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
You Might Also Like
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes