Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
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To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
dream blunt rotation
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”