Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
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Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Battery falling down a hole
so this horse walks into a bar
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.