If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
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*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Snapes on a plane.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.