My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
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Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Not all heroes wear capes….
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.