On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
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The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Merry Christmas
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.