[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
You Might Also Like
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?