Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
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My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.