Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
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Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Legend 🤣🤣
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter