Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
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Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?