Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
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Webb. James Webb.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
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Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Fiction has to make sense.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
12. I think about this all the damn time
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Always 🥴