Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
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Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.