My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
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TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Trumpy Cat
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?