Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
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she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
@funTweeters
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody