How much for the goth pool noodles?
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I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?