Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
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there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.