ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
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*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.