*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
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a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.