Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
it was a valiant fight
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.