Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
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It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
#catsoftwitter
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”