Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
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shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.