I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
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Me: Same
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.