These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
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TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Who.
Did.
This?
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day