Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
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there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
FINE, I WON’T.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.