Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
*jingles half the way*
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.