If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
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An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.