I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
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I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time