Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
i think we should see other cousins
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Isn’t
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related