It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
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*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
*ernest hemingway voice*
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is