Stop sending me this shit.
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you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Seas the day!!!!
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Boom, boom, ching!
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.