“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream