Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
You Might Also Like
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
This pepper has seen some shit
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Breaking news:
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.