ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
You Might Also Like
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.