Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
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Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.