[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
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OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”