So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
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The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.