Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
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Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.