You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”