A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
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For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
just gave your address to some spiders
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.