When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
You Might Also Like
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.