My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
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Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.