My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*