If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
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A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”