Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
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I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
lol
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON