What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Remember folks 😂
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good