“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
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ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers