*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
You Might Also Like
This why you should mind your business
Is….Is this an option?
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
🙂🙃🥹
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out