[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
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The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I’m just playing devils avocado here
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.