Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
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ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.